Are you not high, young man?

Well things have gotten more interesting than previous weeks so let’s get to it. Last Monday I took someone from the airport to Asheville so I got to have a lot of time with my thoughts driving back through the mountains. At least the girl at the Waffle House I had dinner at liked my shirt. The following Friday proved unexpectedly profitable as many of the people who had their flights cancelled the previous night were looking to check in to their new flights all at the same time, creating surged all over the city. I also narrowly avoided being caught up in relationship drama between a young couple who both clearly a. had a few drinks already and b. had a fight earlier in the evening. Luckily, he compromised with her by the trip’s end so all’s well within my domain. Furthermore, I made a delivery from a food truck (is that ironic?) aptly named the Garbage Truck because they specialized in the kind of greasy, starchy, bad-for-you food that one craves when they’re 5 beers in so they clearly know their market. In short, that Friday marks the first time I put in so many hours that the app cut me off for my health. This more recent Monday I took a father and preteen son from Monroe to the airport, the latter of which was a good kid but very talkative. On Wednesday, a guy failed to answer his door or the phone to receive his five sandwiches from McDonald’s so after multiple attempts, they became my five sandwiches from McDonald’s. On the subject on that particular restaurant, some of their locations need to get better about posting their available hours because I have been sent to pick up food from closed McDonalds’ on multiple occasions. Anyway, stay gold everybody.


Minty is just cold spicy

Either I’m becoming jaded or the people of Charlotte are getting boring because there isn’t much to report this time. The list of restaurants that utilize UberEats seems to expand in strange and new ways such as when I delivered a custom pint of ice cream from Ben & Jerry’s last week. I also had back-to-back deliveries from an Indian place in SW Charlotte that Friday night. My regular job worked me pretty heavy this past week so there wasn’t much opportunity for driving. Let’s hope the next two weeks prove more compelling.

All the subtlety and nuance of a napalm enema

Another two weeks came and went so it’s time for another entry in the chronicles of the Uber King of the Queen City. I shared a genuine human connection with a CATS bus driver last Monday as we agonized over the landslide of problems life tends to hit you with. God bless post-concert surges and the $17 they can add onto what would normally be a $4 trip last Wednesday night. That same night I delivered some McD’s to a blind woman which I guess is something of minor note. I made the night of my last ride on Friday by playing my show-tunes station while they were in the car. Last Sunday, I experienced a weird bit of serendipity when I picked up a two-meal order from McD’s only for the person who ordered to reveal that they were in Connecticut and cancelling, leaving me with some free food. Upon review, it appears all of the things of significant interest happened in the first week so I will finish this entry here and bid all of my readers a fond farewell.

I have a free book written by Jesus!

This period was more interesting than last time if nothing else. On Tuesday night May 1, a 20-year-old woman fell out of a party bus on Tryon Rd. when the latches on the emergency exit window failed and was immediately run over. I learned of this fifteen minutes after it happened when I gave a ride home to a group of people who were also on that bus and were still reeling from the shock, fishing for answers as to what had just happened. Sorry to open on a downer like that but it seemed ridiculous to bury the lead. Last Friday, my last three trips were deliveries from three different McDonald’s. In similar food news, I tried the new Shake Shack and find the food to be very good but not enough to match the upscale prices they charge. I learned this past Thursday that the local bar The Brass Tap also does Uber Eats which is not something I nor the woman tending the bar anticipated but she was nice enough to give him a Coke while I waited so props to her. I had a repeat rider last night who I recalled because of the out-of-the-way location for the pick-up compounded by the fact we had to go back to get the keys he forgot last time. Finally, my “last call” trip last night was a group of people from Coyote Joe’s, one of whom had clearly had too many. Fortunately, someone else in the group had the foresight to steal a bucket so my interior remained clean. Hooray for proactive thinking. On a more personal note, that Arrogant Worms Pandora station I was moaning about last time as morphed into my new go-to since I started thumbing-up songs from comedic musicals and I’ve been discovering what I’ve been missing from the likes of Hamilton and The Book of Mormon as my blog title would indicate. See you next time.

Don’t threaten me with a good time

These past couple of weeks have been kind of a blur for me. I can’t say it was especially eventful. Last Thursday, I picked up a guy whose mind was completely blown that he had just witnessed me dropping off someone in his neighborhood immediately before picking him up. Last night I jammed out with a young woman to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Beyond that and my realization that The Arrogant Worms aren’t as funny and clever as I remember, there really isn’t much else to talk about. Sorry folks, the curtain falls on this entry earlier than usual this time.

A brawl is surely brewing

The amount of hours at my regular job is progressively destroying my mind. Luckily, I have Uber to decompress. Last Monday, I picked up a mother from what appear to be a Salvation Army women’s shelter and brought her to her new place of residence so that was different. Friday evening, I was called on to retrieve a guy’s driver’s license for him which I acquired by walking into his open garage, entering his unlocked BMW, and then delivered by handing it to the doorman for the private club that he was in. I guess to his credit he did live on the edge of oblivion away from other people in the Mt. Holly area. My final ride for that night was my new crown champion for the drunkest human being I have ever met. For starters, the bar called me to pick him up on their behalf. He proved to be barely coherent and stumbling for the entirety of the trip. The cherry on top was  when I dropped him off and he stubbornly tried to get into the wrong door of his row of townhouses and I had to step in and guide him towards his door before the police were called in. This past Monday, I picked up a gentleman from a chiropractic clinic and based on how gingerly he was moving it was clear why.  On Wednesday night, I had two different people who ordered food not answer their phones or doors forcing me to leave their meals on their doorsteps. I nearly destroyed my undercarriage driving on a road that was half a step above a hiking trail to get to a house on the Catawba River. Most of my earning that day came from two trips, one from the airport to Mooresville and the other back again. People have been cool for the most part and my rating has been improving so let’s keep that trend going.

I’ll haiku it with you

My apologies for the fake-out, folks. Turns out I can’t read my own work schedule so the bi-weekly schedule remains. Last week on Tuesday I had a man who was an avid Trump supporter spend the whole trip divulging his political thoughts and theories for the whole 45-minute trip, with me only contributing when he asked for my opinion, shake my hand in a friendly manner when he exited, then report me for making him feel uncomfortable by arguing with him. In no uncertain terms, that guy can go fuck himself. On Thursday, I took a trip from the airport to Mooresville and then the reverse of that an hour later. Four of my six trips on Friday night were all to Moochie’s on Idlewild. Twice this week, I coordinated with riders to return lost items so that was a fun adventure in itself. On Thursday, while waiting for a rider to finish in a convenience store, I watched one of the employees come out to dump the trash and I swear he looked like he could be Quentin Tarantino’s stunt double. On the subject of danger and stunts, later on I saw a car flipped over on 74 not 5 minutes after I had been that way. A man in Easton, PA punched in the wrong address and tagged me which led to an interesting conversation and cancellation. I picked up one of my Moochie riders from the previous week last night so we got to do a bit of cheeky catching up, That’s all for this week. Stay gold.

The Mother Superior of Kicking Posterior

These weeks have been nothing short of incredible so let’s get started. On Thursday the 8th, my rider commented on being appreciative of there being no snow only for a flurry to arise five minutes later. Later on that day, I delivered a Scottish gentleman home from the airport during which we bonded a little over the course of the 50 minute trip. Then again, small talk becomes an inevitability when you’re stuck in traffic with a stranger for 45+ minutes at a time. That night as I was picking up a delivery order from Hooters, I experienced what can only be described as a clear sign of advancing age when my first thought when I came in from the 40 degree air and saw the girls in their skin-tight shirts and 6-inch length shorts was “Oh, sweetie, please tell me you have something to put on over that when your shift ends.” On a side note, it is a little peculiar how often I find the deliveries I make from “breasturants” like Hooters and Tilted Kilt are to women. That Friday, I also learned that one of the restaurant/bars in the Epicentre does UberEats so the whole parking situation there was a minor heart attack as I rushed to grab it and go. Also that night, not once but twice, the employees at restaurants gave me an extra sandwich that they would otherwise would have to throw away which is just not a thing that happens in my experience. I’ve also made a resolution to not go to the Albemarle Rd. McD’s at night after a nightmarish experience that had me waiting in the drive-thru line for a literal hour. Last Monday, I got to play relationship counselor to a young college girl who made the reasonable assumption that the year-long break that her ex had asked for meant the relationship had dissolved. That same day, I was somehow the closest available driver to a man in Cornelius while I was in Concord. Hooray for long pick-up fees. I did a little off-the-book driving on Tuesday night for a woman who was worried about walking back to her place from a 7-11 in the dark. This St. Patrick’s Day weekend, I listened to so much Irish music thanks to a dedicated station on Pandora. I had my associated fun earlier in the week when I went to Mary O’Neil’s for dinner Monday night (very good by the way). But Saturday, it was basically surging all day so I profited big time. My favorite rider was one I would describe as the most generous drunk I will ever meet. In addition to a $10 tip, she gave me a 32-oz bottle of Powerade, a 40-oz bottle of Sunny D, two bottles of Stella Artois, an apple danish, a cinnamon roll, and a mango. For my own mental health as well as that of my car, I opted to not drive the next day and took it easy. I have this coming Sunday off so expect an earlier update next time.

The Prius of Cows

I had some fun and profitable times the past two weeks so let’s get cracking. I took a white-collar gentleman to the Charlotte Squash Club which is one of the whitest sentences I’ve ever written. Last Saturday, I picked up a food delivery from a Peruvian restaurant during what I can only assume was karaoke night which was a sight to see. The office complex around IBM Dr. continues to be a navigational nightmare but least the people who work there are aware of this and provide help. Last Wednesday night, I got pulled into the conversation between my two riders regarding how I would respond if my child came out as gay or brought home a boyfriend from another race, a situation which I felt I managed effectively and diplomatically. The following evening, I picked up a food delivery big enough to require multiple trips to and from the car. Needless to say, they did not tip. Saturday saw me with a group of women that would describe as the understudies of the Jersey Shore. While in a stop-and-go line with them, my bumper got tapped. It was minor enough that no damage occurred but I imagine I gave the other guy a heart attack when my 6’3″ self with a stoic expression stepped out of the driver’s seat to access the situation. That same night, I saw two guys grappling with each other in a bar parking lot which I took as my cue to exit with my passengers. Twice in the past week, I’ve had potential riders cancel on me when I’m 95% to their pick-up locations. The joke’s on them though as I made $6 on each of them. I’ve also been listening to speed/European metal lately a la Dragonforce and the like so that’s been fun as well. Tune in next time for more adventures.

Screw the rules; I have green hair

There are those periods in your life that test your fortitude, where you learn what you are truly capable of. By no means am I drowning, but it’s definitely a week with its fair share of ups and downs. I got the privilege of going to the Ballantyne Hotel for a delivery so that was kind of neat. Last Friday, I got roped into a food delivery disguised as a regular trip for an Indian restaurant; luckily it worked out smoothly enough. This past Monday, I learned why to avoid roundabouts during rush hour. They snarled up pretty bad. This past Friday, I had an interesting episode wherein someone accidentally made three separate orders from a restaurant and then called said restaurant to consolidate them to one driver. Luckily, the other drivers were pretty amiable and we were able to work it out with a quick coin flip (I lost) and the restaurant offered us a soft drink to go for our troubles. I gave some members of a wedding reception in Monroe a surprise last night when they anticipated having to wait 20 minutes for a ride and I showed up in five. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to do our best and that’s all that can really be asked of anyone.