I hate being right sometimes. I predicted drunken idiocy and I got some of the best examples of that I’ve seen in my entire Uber career. The leader, or at least the loudest one, of a group of 3 guys I took from the Epicenter to Belmont wanted me to roll down my window so he could tell the cop ordering us to move along what he really thought of him and them proceeded to blast rap music for the whole trip. At least he tipped. 2 hours later, I picked up a group of 3 women, two of whom had to effectively carry the third. Thank God for loading docks so I could pull over in the city and let the third puke her guts out on the road instead of in my car.
Now to accurately describe my feelings for my last trip of the night, I’m going to tell a story from Chinese folklore. Back in the time when these stories take place, there was a powerful trickster god named Monkey who was being an intolerable jackass in the court of Heaven. The Ruler of Heaven, after trying and failing to use force to remove him, called upon Buddha for assistance. Buddha, being known for his wisdom, made a wager that if Monkey could jump from the palm of his hand, he would make him the new Ruler. But if he could not, there would be penance. Monkey, seeing what seemed like an easy bet accepted. Buddha stretched out his hand and Monkey jumped thousands of miles. In the place where he landed, he saw five columns stretching to the sky. Believing them to be the Five Pillars of Wisdom that marked the edge of the universe, he peed on the nearest one to prove his superiority and jumped back. As Monkey landed with a confident swagger, Buddha said, “I don’t know what you’re so jazzed about. You’ve been on my palm the whole time.” Monkey turned and saw five familiar-looking pink pillars as well as the stench of his urine. That is what it felt like as I drove for 21 miles to the southwestern tip of the county and still have the drop-off address say I never left Charlotte.