I have a free book written by Jesus!

This period was more interesting than last time if nothing else. On Tuesday night May 1, a 20-year-old woman fell out of a party bus on Tryon Rd. when the latches on the emergency exit window failed and was immediately run over. I learned of this fifteen minutes after it happened when I gave a ride home to a group of people who were also on that bus and were still reeling from the shock, fishing for answers as to what had just happened. Sorry to open on a downer like that but it seemed ridiculous to bury the lead. Last Friday, my last three trips were deliveries from three different McDonald’s. In similar food news, I tried the new Shake Shack and find the food to be very good but not enough to match the upscale prices they charge. I learned this past Thursday that the local bar The Brass Tap also does Uber Eats which is not something I nor the woman tending the bar anticipated but she was nice enough to give him a Coke while I waited so props to her. I had a repeat rider last night who I recalled because of the out-of-the-way location for the pick-up compounded by the fact we had to go back to get the keys he forgot last time. Finally, my “last call” trip last night was a group of people from Coyote Joe’s, one of whom had clearly had too many. Fortunately, someone else in the group had the foresight to steal a bucket so my interior remained clean. Hooray for proactive thinking. On a more personal note, that Arrogant Worms Pandora station I was moaning about last time as morphed into my new go-to since I started thumbing-up songs from comedic musicals and I’ve been discovering what I’ve been missing from the likes of Hamilton and The Book of Mormon as my blog title would indicate. See you next time.

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Don’t threaten me with a good time

These past couple of weeks have been kind of a blur for me. I can’t say it was especially eventful. Last Thursday, I picked up a guy whose mind was completely blown that he had just witnessed me dropping off someone in his neighborhood immediately before picking him up. Last night I jammed out with a young woman to Smells Like Teen Spirit. Beyond that and my realization that The Arrogant Worms aren’t as funny and clever as I remember, there really isn’t much else to talk about. Sorry folks, the curtain falls on this entry earlier than usual this time.

A brawl is surely brewing

The amount of hours at my regular job is progressively destroying my mind. Luckily, I have Uber to decompress. Last Monday, I picked up a mother from what appear to be a Salvation Army women’s shelter and brought her to her new place of residence so that was different. Friday evening, I was called on to retrieve a guy’s driver’s license for him which I acquired by walking into his open garage, entering his unlocked BMW, and then delivered by handing it to the doorman for the private club that he was in. I guess to his credit he did live on the edge of oblivion away from other people in the Mt. Holly area. My final ride for that night was my new crown champion for the drunkest human being I have ever met. For starters, the bar called me to pick him up on their behalf. He proved to be barely coherent and stumbling for the entirety of the trip. The cherry on top was  when I dropped him off and he stubbornly tried to get into the wrong door of his row of townhouses and I had to step in and guide him towards his door before the police were called in. This past Monday, I picked up a gentleman from a chiropractic clinic and based on how gingerly he was moving it was clear why.  On Wednesday night, I had two different people who ordered food not answer their phones or doors forcing me to leave their meals on their doorsteps. I nearly destroyed my undercarriage driving on a road that was half a step above a hiking trail to get to a house on the Catawba River. Most of my earning that day came from two trips, one from the airport to Mooresville and the other back again. People have been cool for the most part and my rating has been improving so let’s keep that trend going.

I’ll haiku it with you

My apologies for the fake-out, folks. Turns out I can’t read my own work schedule so the bi-weekly schedule remains. Last week on Tuesday I had a man who was an avid Trump supporter spend the whole trip divulging his political thoughts and theories for the whole 45-minute trip, with me only contributing when he asked for my opinion, shake my hand in a friendly manner when he exited, then report me for making him feel uncomfortable by arguing with him. In no uncertain terms, that guy can go fuck himself. On Thursday, I took a trip from the airport to Mooresville and then the reverse of that an hour later. Four of my six trips on Friday night were all to Moochie’s on Idlewild. Twice this week, I coordinated with riders to return lost items so that was a fun adventure in itself. On Thursday, while waiting for a rider to finish in a convenience store, I watched one of the employees come out to dump the trash and I swear he looked like he could be Quentin Tarantino’s stunt double. On the subject of danger and stunts, later on I saw a car flipped over on 74 not 5 minutes after I had been that way. A man in Easton, PA punched in the wrong address and tagged me which led to an interesting conversation and cancellation. I picked up one of my Moochie riders from the previous week last night so we got to do a bit of cheeky catching up, That’s all for this week. Stay gold.

The Mother Superior of Kicking Posterior

These weeks have been nothing short of incredible so let’s get started. On Thursday the 8th, my rider commented on being appreciative of there being no snow only for a flurry to arise five minutes later. Later on that day, I delivered a Scottish gentleman home from the airport during which we bonded a little over the course of the 50 minute trip. Then again, small talk becomes an inevitability when you’re stuck in traffic with a stranger for 45+ minutes at a time. That night as I was picking up a delivery order from Hooters, I experienced what can only be described as a clear sign of advancing age when my first thought when I came in from the 40 degree air and saw the girls in their skin-tight shirts and 6-inch length shorts was “Oh, sweetie, please tell me you have something to put on over that when your shift ends.” On a side note, it is a little peculiar how often I find the deliveries I make from “breasturants” like Hooters and Tilted Kilt are to women. That Friday, I also learned that one of the restaurant/bars in the Epicentre does UberEats so the whole parking situation there was a minor heart attack as I rushed to grab it and go. Also that night, not once but twice, the employees at restaurants gave me an extra sandwich that they would otherwise would have to throw away which is just not a thing that happens in my experience. I’ve also made a resolution to not go to the Albemarle Rd. McD’s at night after a nightmarish experience that had me waiting in the drive-thru line for a literal hour. Last Monday, I got to play relationship counselor to a young college girl who made the reasonable assumption that the year-long break that her ex had asked for meant the relationship had dissolved. That same day, I was somehow the closest available driver to a man in Cornelius while I was in Concord. Hooray for long pick-up fees. I did a little off-the-book driving on Tuesday night for a woman who was worried about walking back to her place from a 7-11 in the dark. This St. Patrick’s Day weekend, I listened to so much Irish music thanks to a dedicated station on Pandora. I had my associated fun earlier in the week when I went to Mary O’Neil’s for dinner Monday night (very good by the way). But Saturday, it was basically surging all day so I profited big time. My favorite rider was one I would describe as the most generous drunk I will ever meet. In addition to a $10 tip, she gave me a 32-oz bottle of Powerade, a 40-oz bottle of Sunny D, two bottles of Stella Artois, an apple danish, a cinnamon roll, and a mango. For my own mental health as well as that of my car, I opted to not drive the next day and took it easy. I have this coming Sunday off so expect an earlier update next time.

The Prius of Cows

I had some fun and profitable times the past two weeks so let’s get cracking. I took a white-collar gentleman to the Charlotte Squash Club which is one of the whitest sentences I’ve ever written. Last Saturday, I picked up a food delivery from a Peruvian restaurant from what I can only assume was karaoke night which was a sight to see. The office complex around IBM Dr. continues to be a navigational nightmare but least the people who work there are aware of this and provide help. Last Wednesday night, I got pulled into the conversation between my two riders regarding how I would respond if my child came out as gay or brought home a boyfriend from another race, a situation which I felt I managed effectively and diplomatically. The following evening, I picked up a food delivery big enough to require multiple trips to and from the car. Needless to say, they did not tip. Saturday saw me with a group of women that would describe as the understudies of the Jersey Shore. While in a stop-and-go line with them, my bumper got tapped. It was minor enough that no damage occurred but I imagine I gave the other guy a heart attack when my 6’3″ self with a stoic expression stepped out of the driver’s seat to access the situation. That same night, I saw two guys grappling with each other in a bar parking lot which I took as my cue to exit with my passengers. Twice in the past week, I’ve had potential riders cancel on me when I’m 95% to their pick-up locations. The joke’s on them though as I made $6 on each of them. I’ve also been listening to speed/European metal lately a la Dragonforce and the like so that’s been fun as well. Tune in next time for more adventures.

Screw the rules; I have green hair

There are those periods in your life that test your fortitude, where you learn what you are truly capable of. By no means am I drowning, but it’s definitely a week with its fair share of ups and downs. I got the privilege of going to the Ballantyne Hotel for a delivery so that was kind of neat. Last Friday, I got roped into a food delivery disguised as a regular trip for an Indian restaurant; luckily it worked out smoothly enough. This past Monday, I learned why to avoid roundabouts during rush hour. They snarled up pretty bad. This past Friday, I had an interesting episode wherein someone accidentally made three separate orders from a restaurant and then called said restaurant to consolidate them to one driver. Luckily, the other drivers were pretty amiable and we were able to work it out with a quick coin flip (I lost) and the restaurant offered us a soft drink to go for our troubles. I gave some members of a wedding reception in Monroe a surprise last night when they anticipated having to wait 20 minutes for a ride and I showed up in five. At the end of the day, we’re all just trying to do our best and that’s all that can really be asked of anyone.

A Christian Scientist with appendicitis

I never know how to start these things so let’s not waste any more time on it. Just like most two-week periods, this one had its share of adventures. Last Friday took me to Salisbury once more. Luckily on the return trip, I managed to grab a couple from Concord looking to go into the city. When they asked me how I managed to stay calm in the midst of people who come to a complete stop on highway on-ramps, I quoted Bruce Banner’s infamous line, “That’s my secret, Cap. I’m always angry”. That same night, I learned the true potency of coffee from a Pilot gas station. Given that they cater towards truckers, it’s no wonder I barely felt tired all night after a medium cup of their regular brew. I hate to imagine what the extra-caffeinated stuff would do to me. This past Wednesday, I ended up helping a guy getting food supplies for his restaurant; luckily I had the trunk space in that case, I did not have the trunk space later that evening, however, for a man’s walker and it ended up having to ride in the backseat with him. The next day, I made a food delivery to the local department of Citizenship and Immigration Services which is run by Homeland Security which meant having to check in with the multiple guards in the front and waiting for the recipient to come to me. Last night, I had a couple who spoke Afrikaans for much of the ride which was interesting in so far as it is not a language one commonly hears in the U.S. compared to others. My work schedule is more consistent this week so my Uber hours should probably be reduced to their usual volume so expect an equal adjustment to my volume of stories.

This was a triumph

Driving in the snow this past week, I’m pretty sure I saw my life flash before my eyes about three times. Let me tell you, it is not a film that benefits from repeat viewings. Twice last week, on two different nights, I made a delivery from McDonald’s to the same address which was weird. It didn’t help that for some bizarre reason, this specific McD’s will only give UberEats orders from the counter even if the lobby is otherwise closed. That Friday was very heavy on delivery orders, probably because a $5 off coupon had just been distributed. During that night, I had a would-be rider dash from my car before being nabbed by police for using a fake I.D. I had to be the source of calm for the guy who actually called the ride because he was freaking out the whole time about how this might affect his own legal record as well as his rider rating. On to the main event, this past snowy Wednesday proved to be a boon for sociopaths with a death wish like me who volunteered to drive in lieu of people too afraid to. I made over $200 that day, largely driving in the blue-collar northwest quadrant of the county. Finally, in a spur-of-the-moment decision that has proved fruitful, I’ve started listening to Jonathan Coulton and his contemporaries on Pandora much to my immense joy. That should do it for this entry so see you next time.

Shootin’ n’ Lootin’

These have been slow weeks. It doesn’t help that I’ve been working the regular gig a lot which doesn’t present many opportunities to drive. I learned Krispy Kreme does UberEats deliveries when I transported a dozen donuts at 10pm. On New Year’s Eve, I transported two groups that knew each other back to back from Wingate University because I was the only person in the area at the time. Substantial surges definitely made that a profitable night and I even managed to get a reprieve at midnight to watch some of the fireworks. Last Wednesday was so slow, I managed to read most of a manga volume while waiting in line at the airport parking lot. Last night, I had a conversation with a rider who said he couldn’t shake the feeling that he always felt that Uber drivers were going out of their way to do him a favor. He asked for my thoughts and I told him that the fact drivers are making an active decision to make themselves available puts the agency in their hands and it is fundamentally a service being provided by a customer service worker. Later that night, I had a sobbing, drunken woman enter my car who, as it turns out, was not my rider. Luckily, the person I was actually there for managed to get me on the phone before I left the parking lot and the matter was resolved without incident. To my credit, the lot was empty so it didn’t feel necessary to confirm the name when they first got in. I think the cold weather kept everyone at home lately so hopefully the warming temperatures will turn this around.