This acid trip is too commercial

A new post after only a week? On my blog? It’s more likely than you think. At least more likely when I’m going to be out of town the following weekend. Drugs in one’s system was the theme for the two trips I had coming home from work Wednesday night. The first was a rowdy group of middle-aged drunks looking for a ride back to their hotel. The other was a gentleman who asked me to swing by the Circle K so he could get a Powerade to cleanse his system before an upcoming drug test the following day. On Friday night, I had three different people cancel on him after I had already arrived at their pick-up location. I really wonder about these people who would rather blow $5 than just call me back. I also found someone who asked the right question and was able to take an abandoned pack of cigarettes off my hands left by a past rider. Saturday night started with a surge-boosted double delivery from a Mexican restaurant. Later on, I had the unique experience of listening to four 20-something girls scream-singing/slurring Misery Business by Paramore. If you have not had the pleasure, it is best described as a beautiful chaos. Finally, I’m making a new policy for myself and that is no more food deliveries after last call. I hate waiting in the ridiculous lines but the capper was the shitty attitude the McDonald’s drive-thru employee gave me when I piked up the food. It is an indulgence I shall not miss.

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Ruse of an Ooze

Has it really been two weeks? It only felt like one. No matter, on with the show. As seems to be the pattern, the first week wasn’t super eventful until the weekend. I tried out a fast food chain that I’ve never heard of on Friday night called Culver’s that seems to specialized in high-quality beef and custards/ice cream. Personally, I didn’t hate it but I was by no means impressed. The next day, I did one of my rare airport pick-ups and gave some local tips to my riders, specifically that the Epicentre was for basic bitches and redirected them to Plaza Midwood. That night, someone put their work address in as the destination for a food delivery when they wanted it brought to their house. The kicker is that he was still on his way home at the time and I beat him there. Ain’t that some shit?! Later on, I made another food delivery from pick-up from Hooters. Who orders take-out from Hooters, you might be asking? A woman apparently. The next trip of note was this past Tuesday. The reason is because the person who named the streets in the neighborhood of the pick-up did not know when to let up with the puns. 90% of the streets had “clever” names like Memory Lane or Long Tall Alley. It was another night of expanding my culinary horizons when I decided to wait out the traffic on I-77 at Pinky’s Westside Grill. The atmosphere was a little out there, but the staff was friendly, and the food was pretty good. Thanks to the Panthers game and 5 of my 6 trips being over 20 minutes each, I made over $100 in 4 hours on Thursday. Finally last night found me in Fort Mill during the wee hours of the morning. Among my passengers was a very drunken gentleman who in his semi-coherent slurring told me he was on the local town council and how he appreciated what I was doing for him given that he had received a DWI in the past. I have nothing to add to that. I just felt it ought to be shared.

Amish mugshots

Well, bang a gong, it’s time for more tales of the Uber King of the Queen City. I hope you’ve all been well in the interim. I’ve been doing my best to keep back the rising tide of my own responsibilities but that aside, onto the riders. Deliveries continue to be a pain in my ass as I tire of driving 15 minutes only to wait another 10 in a McDonald’s drive-thru that only has three people working to deliver someone 5 minutes away for a paltry $3.74.  First world problems, I guess. Most of my first week was fairly unremarkable but things got slightly more interesting on Sunday when I picked up someone in rural Monroe and stayed in rural territory all the way to Waxhaw with few lights besides my own and the occasional other car. Things picked up this past week starting with Wednesday and taking someone from Monroe to the Steele Creek neighborhood of Charlotte. In an amplified echo to the day I drove to Columbia, I did exactly two trips on Friday. One was a minimum fare taking someone from home to work. The other was taking a man who sold RV’s for a living from Indian Trail to Williamsboro, 3 hours and 20 minutes away. For those who do not know Williamsboro, it is about 30 miles north of Durham, near the northern state line. Needless to say, I made bank that night. Saturday was almost exclusively long trips beginning with a mother who had reason to believe her teenage son was using illicit substances recklessly which made for an engaging 40 minute trip. Finally, last night was a gentleman who seemed to be a genuinely good guy but was very drunk and very aware of it. I got the impression from our conversation that he had served in the military and wasn’t handling it in the most healthy way. The trip itself wasn’t all that exceptional; a standard take-me-to-the-convenience-store-and-back ride. He was kind enough to grab me something but on top of that, he insisted on tipping me the max amount for saving him from the DUI he would have had otherwise. As it turns out, the app does in fact set a limit which I discovered when he asked me to punch it in. Turns out the line for that specific trip is set at $22. Whatever he’s doing, I hope he is doing well.

Hentai on Blu-ray

What’s up, my well-read ballers? It’s time to go over the Uber highlights of the past two weeks so let’s begin. Last Friday, McDonald’s gave me the wrong delivery order so that sucked. I lucked out the next day when I was looking to get to Uptown from Monroe and grabbed two guys who were looking to do the very same thing. Tuesday was pretty slow in the first half of the afternoon with most of my trips being food deliveries. Thursday evening, I managed to eavesdrop on the prelude to a serious butt-whopping when it was discovered my rider’s children order something on pay-per-view while at a hotel. I was in uncharted territory for me Friday night when I drove a guy from Lake Wylie up into Belmont on secondary routes I would otherwise never be. Finally, last night I made real human connections with the employees at two different restaurants when picking up deliveries. At the first, the person who ordered was named Penelope (name changed) but in a very unusual way. So when I came to the pick-up counter, I told them I was getting the order for “Penelope but with really pretentious parents.” The worker said they knew exactly who I meant and said they had the same reaction. At the second restaurant, I was the only person there besides the employees so we got a rapport going while they bagged the order. When I go to deliver it, it turns out the recipient is 500 feet away. Thus, I didn’t even get back in my car and just walked it over. Upon returning, I took the time to poke my head back in and tell the employees what had happened so we could share in the gag. Truly, this gig makes for some very unique experiences.

That’s a clean burning Hell, I tell you what

So like I said, the regular job had me running ragged last week and it didn’t lighten up much this week either. I still managed to put in some time on the road though. People who work in cigar shops carry it with them and I can verify this fact because I transported two different guys on two different nights from the same shop and I could smell it from the backseat. They weren’t short trips either, 20 minutes apiece. Last Saturday, I ended up in Mt. Pleasant even though I shouldn’t have because the rider put in the pick-up and destination locations backwards. Sunday night ended up being one of my strangest nights on record. My first rider was a gentleman who answered to Napoleon and did not appear to speak English. When I arrived for the second pick-up, I was greeted by two police cars. It seems a woman had called me to pick up her and her fiance who had passed out at the bar. In the time it took me to get there, the bar staff had called the police to manage him and he appeared to be vaguely belligerent when I arrived. I ended up waiting about 5 minutes before just the woman got in the car to go home, knowingly without her house key. The next 10 minutes was spent playing emotional sounding board as she explained how this was a common pattern for her guy, but she loves him regardless, etc. It was just one of those rides that this blog is meant for. I had easily one of the shortest food deliveries possible on Wednesday wherein I brought food from a McD’s to one of the stores in the same plaza as the restaurant. On Thursday evening, after dropping off a food delivery, I was talked into doing an off-the-books ride for $10 to take two folks to the Panthers game. Finally, last night, my highlight/lowlight was cancelling on a group of women who would rather wait in the tangled mess that is College St. in front of the Epicenter rather than walk around the corner where I was and traffic wasn’t. Some people are too far up their own ass to see what’s good for them.

I’ll have your longest eclair

Well, this week was fun. I had an exceptionally lucrative Monday night. One caller basically sent me on a beer run instead of a ride (I ID’d him before I handed it over just to keep my butt covered). I also had two occasions where I had to drive 15 minutes to pick up a food order to someone 5 minutes away. On Tuesday, I finally went to the Whitewater center even if it was only for a pick-up. Wednesday constituted one trip which was a delivery wherein the recipient had not changed his home address in the app causing me to show up on his surprised parents’ doorstep. Luckily, it was resolved and he tipped me well for the trouble. My standout rider on Friday would be the woman who couldn’t figure out what bar she was in front of. However, the night itself ended poorly when I had to wait an hour for a food order to be prepared so it could be delivered. Word of advice: Don’t order take-out immediately after last call. I had a first-time experience on Saturday evening and that is picking up two orders at once from the same place for delivery.   Closed roads in Uptown made some of the navigation and traffic hell leading to a cancellation. I also had to cancel when I watched a would-be rider who didn’t listen get into the wrong car and ride away. The next week has me doing my real job every day so I’ll probably skip next week’s post. See you in September.

Really?! Right in front of my salad?!

Hello peoples. I had a productive week though not particularly exciting. How about y’all? The PGA tournament was this past week so rides were in high demand, for better or worse. I want to give my props to the folks who coordinated the designated Uber drop off/pick up lot; it ran very efficiently. The section of Park Rd. it sat on, not so much. On Wednesday, I had a rider who remembered me so that was neat. I hit Friday hard, doing both day and night runs. My last trip before I stopped for dinner was in Huntersville so I played around with going north at the start of the evening and nearly ended up in Statesville. Luckily, they bailed and I didn’t go beyond Mooresville. Food deliveries are getting better in so far as the restaurants are becoming better at having a system down for getting them ready and passing them along to the driver. Before I close out, I want to plug Postmodern Jukebox, my current YouTube obsession. They take songs from the past 20 years and arrange them in cabaret/jazz/etc styles. My personal favorites are their renditions of All the Small Things and Sugar, We’re Going Down. Check it out, you won’t regret it. See you next week.

It’s like a hologram that sings

So yeah, the last week of July gave me some much needed time off which meant less time driving. I still came away with some tales to tell, though. I had my best delivery to date last Friday in so far as I showed up at the restaurant and the food was all ready to go. That Saturday was schizophrenic. I tried to pick up someone from the surge outside the concert venue near Concord but the area was a traffic nightmare and killed all data exchange between phones. I ended up cancelling that trip and just picking up another group for cash. Later that night, I found myself in Mooresville and Denver and ended up spending 45 minutes just driving myself back home. This past Tuesday, someone put in an order to McDonald’s for 150 McNuggets at 12:30 at night and I was the lucky guy sent to pick it up and deliver it. I gave some relationship advice to a guy the following night, encouraging him to stay faithful and not cheat with his attractive flirtatious co-workers. Last night I ended up in an actual fight with the driver app. It’s not uncommon for a rider to ask for multiple stops which is easily facilitated because I can change the destination. However, every time I did it last night the app would just change it right back on me. Hopefully, this will be addressed the next time the app updates.

You only love me when I’m wasted

I’m glad I was able to put in some good time last week because I’m going to pretty busy with other things this coming one. Deliveries continue to be a thorn in my side the size of the Space Needle. I was some poor McDonald’s employee’s first ever Uber Eats pick-up on Tuesday and it became a whole debacle that took up the better part of an hour. I even did a rare airport pick-up that night despite the arrivals line being obscene. On Wednesday night, I took a woman from Indian Trail to the rural side of Concord. I had a unique experience on Thursday when I got a regular passenger call but it was to deliver a set of car keys to a dealership on the other side of town with the requester giving me instructions by phone. There was a woman I drove Friday afternoon that I took to an adult novelty store that was openly talking on the phone about having to go buy a new dildo because her old one had a crack in it. I nearly broke skin because I was biting my lip so hard to keep from laughing at the absurdity of my situation. I only had three trips on Saturday night but they were all long, especially the first that went from Wesley Chapel to Fort Mill to the University area. I may skip next week due to lack of material. We will simply have to see.

Sha-Zibby! SHA-ZOOBY!

Sorry, folks. These Sundays at my regular job really mess up my posting schedule. As always, these past two weeks have given their share of escapades and so it’s time for another bullet list for simplicity’s sake.

  • The first week wasn’t all that eventful but people were feeling generous and I was tipped more often than usual as well as got offered things when asked to stop at quik-e-marts.
  • Uneventful, that is, except for the couple I brought home on July 8 after the car accident they had near the state line near Lake Wylie
  • July 9: I picked up a group from a driving range/golf facility called TopGolf that looked like a beacon of glory and luxury in the summer eve. It was really quite awe-inspiring
  • That same night I also got my first taste of doing food delivery which I recently signed up for, picking up some McDonald’s at 1 am. It’s kind of a pain in the neck to be honest since I have to juggle my phone and the food but maybe it’ll get better as it gets more widespread
  • July 15: Another delivery. 17 minutes out and I’m the nearest delivery guy. The app also got the drop-off address wrong but at least the receiver was cool about it.
  • July 16: You can verify this on the news. Someone hacked the road signs on I-77 in the middle of the night to display obscene messages. It was surreal

I’m still scheduled for the next two Sundays so I hope I can get my butt in gear on the next few Mondays.